Faith vs Works: My Personal Struggle

VS

I would like to preface my comments with some relevant background information. I have always felt significant guilt growing up in the church. I can recall my baptism at the age of eight when I was taught that from now on I was accountable for all my sins. I can remember just before my baptism going out into the woods behind our house to sin as much as I could before my baptism knowing that the following day I would be washed clean from them and that ever after I would be accountable for everything I did and would have to repent for every single mistake I made. Perhaps I foolishly thought that I could get all my sin out of me in that moment. Whatever the case I stood under the oak trees and swore my head off for several minutes, until the novelty wore off. I said the worst words I knew at the time, like “damn”, and “bugger”, and maybe even the “s” word. After my baptism the reality of my new found accountability quickly began to weigh upon me. Whether it was a fight with one of my sisters, rude thoughts after seeing a shampoo ad on television, or failing to follow the council of my church leaders there was no shortage of things to feel guilty and inadequate about.

Jumping forward 25 years and there I was sitting in church and wondering at the absence of Jesus from the talks that were being given. There was a talk about the famous conference talk “a matter of a few degrees” where repeated reference to the fact that the smallest variance from gospel principles would spell eternal doom. Another speaker discussed the importance of honouring the priesthood by DOING your callings and DOING whatever you are told by your leaders. My childhood innocence and cleanliness long since washed away in the river of failures and sin that had afflicted my life since that time. Why? Why had this been so? Why had I not overcome all my flaws? did I not have enough faith? Or was I focused too heavily on what I had not done rather than what I had? Where had I learned what to focus on?

We are regularly taught at the church that we can only be saved after we have repented of all of our sins, been baptised, sealed in the temple, endured to the end, read our scriptures every day (and repented for those days that we did not), attended the temple, engaged in missionary work, served others, attended all of our church meetings, and kept all of the commandments (and repented for all of those commandments which we have broken), O, and every now and then we hear that we must believe in Jesus in order to be saved also. But where in this hierarchy of beliefs and behaviours does this belief come, and how important is it?

Of course, I accept that obtaining perfection will not happen in this life and the doctrine allows for continued progression on the afterlife. Indeed church doctrine rightfully accepts the idea that we will not achieve perfection in this life. However, if this is the case then the question then becomes will the afterlife be a mirror of this life? If not, then what becomes of all of our unrepented iniquities which we are unable to commit in the afterlife? I ought to point out here that I am not attempting to say that we ought to be able to live abominable lives and simply say we believe in Jesus with our last dying breath and have our salvation secured.

Rather, where I am heading with this is that in my view the Church places an incredibly unbalanced emphasis on the importance of works. Like I said earlier, I have sat through three sacrament meetings now where the only reference to the Savior has come in the neatly packaged phrase “in the name of Jesus Christ amen”. I would argue that some of these talks could have been in anyone’s name but his.

So, what is my problem with this you might ask (if I still acknowledge the significance of works)? I believe that fostering a rigid and inflexible framework for behaving and living manufactures standards which needlessly alienates those that violate them. Indeed, there is less discussion of the good news of the gospel (the atonement and resurrection of the savior) then there is about the bad news of breaking rules. As I said earlier, the Church does not have false doctrine, it is just skewed and focused too narrowly upon the laws rather than on the Saviour.

Of course the obvious reply to my insubordinate comments would be that I am proud and need to humble myself. Maybe so; but to me that sounds too much like giving up integrity. I believe something has gone awry with the church and to not express my concerns would be false, and untrue to what I believe is right. I believe the doctrines of salvation are there, but we (the church as a whole) have focused upon miniscule, sideline, socially constructed doctrines and values. In short, I feel like the church has essentially become in many ways like the scribes and Pharisees which Jesus so detested. We have constructed an excessively rigid code of conduct and behavior that is espoused as being the pathway to salvation at the expense of the atonement. In essence will we have shifted the burden of salvation from the savior to ourselves. We walk about the world carrying the weight of all our weaknesses and feeling lesser and weaker as a result. Of course I am making great over generalizations and perhaps am amongst a minority of Mormons in my guilt and self abasement. However, I think I could be excused for having come to the conclusion that I am inadequate given the multitudes of things I have been taught I ought to be doing, many of which I am not.

As the earlier conference talk titled “a matter of a few degrees” rightly states that being a few degrees off course over a long period of time can result in a significant divergence from one’s desired destination; however, I wonder what those few degrees might be? Certainly according to Christ’s earthly ministry and teachings loving and believing in Him and others was what mattered most.